There was a terrible road accident today between a van full of tortoises and a van full of terrapins.

It was a turtle disaster.

Roses are #FF0000
Violets are #0000FF
All my base are belong to you

Thanks @ciarannorris

What do you call a camel with three humps?

Humphrey…

Thanks to @domhawken

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Pumpkin pi.

Thanks to @iansealy

What do you get when you pour a kettleful of water down a rabbit hole?

Hot, cross bunnies.

Thanks to @iansealy

A man walks into a bar and orders a pint. He stands there, minding his own business, when a little voice says: “Nice suit mate! Very sharp.”

He looks to see where it came from, and it seems to be a bowl of peanuts. Perturbed, he heads over to the jukebox – only to hear a voice saying: “Your suit sucks – it looks cheap.”

He goes back over to the bar and asks the landlord what is going on. “Ah, well there is an explanation for all this,” he says.

“The peanuts are complimentary and the jukebox is out of order…”

Thanks to @egrommet!

Why did the burglar cut the legs off his bed?

Because he wanted to lie low for a while.

(Thanks Paul)

What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine-shaft?

A flat minor.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman.

The kids were nothing to look at either.

Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

What kind of bees make milk?

Boobies.

A good-looking man walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood.

“I want to be a movie star,” he told the agent. Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked: “What’s your name?”

“Penis van Lesbian,” he replied.

“Sir, I hate to tell you,” said the agent, “but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.”

“I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old. I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Never!”

“Now listen: I have worked in Hollywood for years and I’m telling you that will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. Change your name – or I won’t be able to put you on our books.”

“So be it! I guess we will not do business together,” the guy said, and left the agent’s office.

Five years later

The agent opens an envelope sent to his office – inside is a letter and a check for $50,000.

Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.

After I left your office, I thought about what you said and, eventually, decided you were right: I had to change my name. I’m afraid I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent.

But I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

Technorati Tags: jokes

Two monkeys getting in the bath.
One says: “Ooh ooh ah ah ah ah!”
The other says: “Well put some cold in then!”

Thanks Tom.

Cecil was feeling lonely and felt life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, the pet shop-owner produced a centipede which came in a little white box.

He took the box back home and decided he would start by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box: “Would you like to go to Frank’s with me and have a beer?”

There was no answer. This bothered Cecil a bit but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again: “How about going to the bar and have a drink with me?”

Still no answer. He waited a bit longer and decided to ask him one more time – this time putting his face up against the centipede’s box and shouting: “Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank’s place and have a drink with me?”

A little voice came out of the box: “I heard you the first time. I’m putting on my bloody shoes…”

Two oranges in a pub.

One turns to the other: “You’re round.”

Two fish swim into a wall.
One turns to the other: “Damn”.

Two eggs in a frying pan.

One says: “Aaagh! It’s really hot in here!”

The other says: “Aaagh! A talking egg!”